I met someone.
I asked the Lord over and over to please make it obvious when he does arrive…because I maybe don’t trust myself and I’m not sure what is real. I don’t want to try to figure this out in my own strength and understanding anymore. It’s exhausting and I have turned in my driver’s license in this regard. Jesus take the wheel.
My heart has longed deep and hard for this unrelenting ache to be filled, abated, contented, relieved, fixed, removed, or satisfied. I have tried with broken wiring and through a broken lens to find satisfaction for myself, to no avail, returned instead with more aching and with a resigned sense that the deep cavernous well of my soul will not know peace of this kind; that I will have to find a way to live and conduct my life around this bottomless ache. I have cried rivers. I have prayed for Jesus to fill this space; if He is all we need, then could He please fill this one? I love Jesus through and through, but there’s something about maybe having some Jesus with skin on. One of my primary love languages is touch. Without affectionate touch, I feel like I’m starving to death or at least that my person will cave in on or be sucked into the vortex of this deep unrelenting ache. It’s dramatic; but the lonelies are that big and that real when you’ve been lonely for love for decades.
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I’ve had no idea how this meeting could possibly happen, be obvious or even remotely serendipitous when my preoccupation is turned on full blast ALL THE TIME; my eyes don’t know how NOT to chronically scan the scenery of every location I am. Sleep is my only relief. I have joked that it will have to be some random happenstance where someone accidentally bumps into me from behind while squeezing an avocado in the produce section of the grocery store. I’ve heard it said over and over, ‘he/she showed up when I stopped looking‘…I don’t know how to stop looking, so this maybe won’t work for me. It’s ridiculous. But God knows this. And He knows how to make serendipitous happen anyway for people like me.
I was visiting a church in a different town, there to plead with the Lord for direction and a word about SOMETHING. There has been a lot of tension and unrest in my soul that was only intensifying and I desperately hoped for some direction; some word; SOMETHING. Often the ocean and a change of scenery will bring me the revelation I am seeking for, or at least bring a moment of relief; of rest from the toil of restlessness. I approached the altar after service for prayer and when I returned to my seat, tears rolling, make-up streaked face, the gentleman sitting to the left of my seat who I saw, but didn’t really see, taps me on the shoulder and then grabs my hand when the congregation prays. It was not an invitation for the whole church to hold hands. He independently grabbed my hand.
…And something happened.
At the time all I could think was, “Who are you?” Not in a weird, creeper who are you way, but who are YOU?! Who are you that electricity just shot through my person when you touched my hand?! Who are you that I could feel every single line in your hand and it was familiar?
This is not normal.
I heard some words whispered inside my heart that I might tell later, but for now will say that I refused to believe what I heard. The heart is deceptive. I am starving to death for touch and when touched, my heart and mind will tell me anything! So I disregarded. Stuffed it. Pushed it aside. And went along with my life and business. My preoccupation is already very distracting; I will not be preoccupied with some guy in another town. I have bigger fish to fry right now. Besides…he doesn’t fit the profile of the one I have painted a picture of for myself.
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I returned to this town a couple weeks later and at church again, see this gentleman with a strange sense that I’ve known him my entire life, but an equally bizarre amnesia that I don’t actually know him at all. It’s hard to reconcile. I was drawn to him but felt weird at the same time because…I don’t know him. I found myself dancing in place as my mind and heart played tug-of-war with this surreal awareness. He had a friend with him, but were able to talk a bit, easily and effortlessly, again, as if I’ve known him my whole life. So very interesting!
I still don’t believe what I heard when he initially held my hand for prayer. This is just weird. It doesn’t mean anything. Life is weird. That is all. I’ve had interesting connections with various people in the past. This is just another. So I kept telling myself.
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How do we know when God speaks to us? I mean…how do we know FOR REAL? Emotions and feelings and fears and all kinds of other human reaction can communicate with us about a lot of things. So how do we know for real? For sure?
Confirmation is always a good place to start. Confirmation can come from the Word or another person or a song or hearing/seeing the same thing over and over and over. Or it can come straight from the mouth of the one a revelation is about. There’s no disputing this type of confirmation.
We were able to chat again before I left town and he said, “I don’t want to freak you out, but I have to tell you something… ” wherein he shared the Holy Spirit’s instruction to grab my hand, his subsequent wrestling match because no, he did not want to do that, but then his relent, which sent the shock and message straight to/through me.
Who ARE you?!
I am serendipity. Found the only moment I was not looking.